[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
apparent, on the recording, the way Matthew sang. When they returned to
the city, Matthew called and asked me to come to their homecoming con-
cert. I can t comp you, he said, because it s a benefit.
A benefit? I asked. For the volunteer organization that was just setting it-
self up, in the absence of a rational response from municipal, state, or fed-
eral government, to provide care for the ill and the dying, all those youths
who had planned to live forever.
Jeremy and Toby and I went to the concert, went backstage after. Matthew
hugged me. Sebastian, the drummer and Matthew s lover, hugged me and
thanked me for coming. It means a lot to Matt, you two go back so far. I had
never called Matthew Matt. Sebastian drew me aside, and asked me not to
say anything, and told me Matthew, too, was ill. That was September.
In the kitchen, I set the kettle to boil for
Rodrigo s tea. I ground coffee beans and filled the espresso maker, placed
it on the burner. I heard Rodrigo laugh in the dining room; a moment later,
Jeremy laughed. After setting up a tray, I leaned back against the counter,
waiting, and closed my eyes.
It seemed only a minute, maybe two, before someone said, You re think-
ing about Sean. Stop it.
I can t bear to watch it happen again, I said before opening my eyes, be-
fore I d quite realized I was speaking to Toby.
Just stop it, Allen. The clarity of his expression was something that made
my breath and my heart catch, so that I felt for a moment as if it were all my
fault, as if I should have been able somehow to prevent it, to protect him.
Behind the small lenses of his glasses his grey eyes gleamed. I shifted my
weight, but he stepped back. Anyway, Toby muttered, he s going back to
New York.
After a moment he relented, came to me, wrapped his arms around my
waist, laid his head against my chest. We stood like this for some little time.
He said, You didn t eat your dessert. It s good.
I will, I said. A little later I said, as if I had just figured it out, I don t want
to go dancing, Toby.
Letting go of me, he stepped away. Don t, then. Stay here with me. He
cocked his head to the side. Tell em I do need a babysitter. He s Dad s
friend, not yours.
Is it that easy?
Dad! Toby called over his shoulder. Can you come here for a minute?
SAFE AS HOUSES
137
Flustered, I turned to the stove, where the water for Rodrigo s tea was on
the edge of boiling. I heard Jeremy come in, I heard him ask, What?
Tell him, Allen.
What is it, Allen?
Lifting the kettle from the flame, I turned again. Jeremy. He was peering
at me, puzzled. I thought: I love you. Jeremy, I think I ll stay in tonight.
He s not dealing, Dad.
You and Rodrigo you need to catch up. I d be in the way.
As Jeremy looked from me to his son and back to me, I thought: Toby un-
derstands me better than you do.
Allen, he asked, do you want me to stay?
I turned away, poured water into the cup, over the tea bag. A faint yellow
stain seeped through the clear water. That s not what I m saying.
You re being stupid, Dad.
I didn t need to look to know Toby had punched his father in the arm.
No, he s not. It s just& . Toby had recognized what it was before I had, but
still I didn t want to say anything in front of him. I returned the kettle to the
stove. Toby, could you take the tea to Rodrigo? See if he wants sugar or
anything?
Taking the cup from my hand, Toby gave me a grin that was half not a
grin. Don t fight in front of the kid, he muttered, and went out.
Allen
Come here. Give me a hug. Please. I couldn t bear to look into Jeremy s
face. There were times when he thought Toby and I ganged up on him. He s
not my friend, I don t know him. In Jeremy s embrace I was as small as Toby
in mine. I don t want to know him, because
Because he s going to die. Jeremy s voice was harsh, his hands clenched
in my back as hard as stones.
Toby came in, said, You re thinking about Sean. I was whispering.
Matthew s sick too, I didn t tell you. Jeremy, Rodrigo doesn t care about me.
It s you he came to see.
Allen, what s wrong?
I can t bear to care about him.
And then Jeremy broke away. But what about me? Fists clenched at his
hips, he went to the kitchen window to peer through the darkness three sto-
E
ries down into our neighbors scruffy yard. You know what Roddy meant
X
to me, he said. I don t know that man in there.
P
Because he s ill? Or because he s lived in New York for ten years? Could
A
I go to him, could I say anything at all?
T
I don t know, boy. I just don t. If he needs me Jeremy raised his fist and
R
tapped it against the glass, then turned to me but stared at the floor near his
I
feet, the vinyl patterned like Moorish tiles. I saw how Sean needed you.
A
Moving to the stove, I turned off the flame under the espresso maker. The
T
coffee smelled bitter and rich, a smell like life itself. I ll help if I can, I said,
I
exhaling my words into the steam. If it s what he wants. But it s not what
O
he wants what he needs tonight. I fumbled for the hot pad. He needs to
N
138
find out who you are now, and you to find out who he is. It s something you
have to resolve.
It s not something that s going to be resolved in an evening at the dis-
co.
Still avoiding looking at him, I decanted the coffee into the pot Ruth had
made, on the tray beside two of her cups and saucers, the sugar bowl, the
little jug of cream. Jeremy pollutes even espresso, a habit I deplore and
depend on. Do you really think he wants me to come with you tonight?
I lifted the tray. Come on. We ve left him there too long. I ll ask if he minds
me bowing out.
Allen. His voice sounded faint, weak. All those people at the I-Beam& .
When I glanced over I saw him blink and shake his head. I m sorry to hear
about Matthew, boy.
Come along, sweetheart.
In the dining room, Toby, never a genius at small talk, appeared relieved
to see us. Rodrigo s eyes went directly to Jeremy, but he said, Thank you for
the tea, Allen.
You re welcome.
Say, De nada, offered Toby.
Setting the tray down beside my place, I watched how Rodrigo watched
Jeremy. The expression was hungry, but he watched as though from very
far away, as if observing events and personages he could not hope to af-
fect. Rodrigo, I said, I ve been thinking I don t really feel up to going out
tonight. I ve got some work to do. Would you mind if I stayed here?
For a moment it seemed he didn t hear me, so intense his concentration
on Jeremy. Then his eyes moved in their hollow sockets, his thin, bladed
nose turned. De vero. One long hand came up in a vague, inarticulate ges-
ture, first touching his cheek, then stroking one eyebrow, and then sweep-
ing back through his hair. In truth, he said, I m realizing that I ve overex-
tended myself a little today. My clock says it s three hours later than for you, [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
zanotowane.pl doc.pisz.pl pdf.pisz.pl fopke.keep.pl
apparent, on the recording, the way Matthew sang. When they returned to
the city, Matthew called and asked me to come to their homecoming con-
cert. I can t comp you, he said, because it s a benefit.
A benefit? I asked. For the volunteer organization that was just setting it-
self up, in the absence of a rational response from municipal, state, or fed-
eral government, to provide care for the ill and the dying, all those youths
who had planned to live forever.
Jeremy and Toby and I went to the concert, went backstage after. Matthew
hugged me. Sebastian, the drummer and Matthew s lover, hugged me and
thanked me for coming. It means a lot to Matt, you two go back so far. I had
never called Matthew Matt. Sebastian drew me aside, and asked me not to
say anything, and told me Matthew, too, was ill. That was September.
In the kitchen, I set the kettle to boil for
Rodrigo s tea. I ground coffee beans and filled the espresso maker, placed
it on the burner. I heard Rodrigo laugh in the dining room; a moment later,
Jeremy laughed. After setting up a tray, I leaned back against the counter,
waiting, and closed my eyes.
It seemed only a minute, maybe two, before someone said, You re think-
ing about Sean. Stop it.
I can t bear to watch it happen again, I said before opening my eyes, be-
fore I d quite realized I was speaking to Toby.
Just stop it, Allen. The clarity of his expression was something that made
my breath and my heart catch, so that I felt for a moment as if it were all my
fault, as if I should have been able somehow to prevent it, to protect him.
Behind the small lenses of his glasses his grey eyes gleamed. I shifted my
weight, but he stepped back. Anyway, Toby muttered, he s going back to
New York.
After a moment he relented, came to me, wrapped his arms around my
waist, laid his head against my chest. We stood like this for some little time.
He said, You didn t eat your dessert. It s good.
I will, I said. A little later I said, as if I had just figured it out, I don t want
to go dancing, Toby.
Letting go of me, he stepped away. Don t, then. Stay here with me. He
cocked his head to the side. Tell em I do need a babysitter. He s Dad s
friend, not yours.
Is it that easy?
Dad! Toby called over his shoulder. Can you come here for a minute?
SAFE AS HOUSES
137
Flustered, I turned to the stove, where the water for Rodrigo s tea was on
the edge of boiling. I heard Jeremy come in, I heard him ask, What?
Tell him, Allen.
What is it, Allen?
Lifting the kettle from the flame, I turned again. Jeremy. He was peering
at me, puzzled. I thought: I love you. Jeremy, I think I ll stay in tonight.
He s not dealing, Dad.
You and Rodrigo you need to catch up. I d be in the way.
As Jeremy looked from me to his son and back to me, I thought: Toby un-
derstands me better than you do.
Allen, he asked, do you want me to stay?
I turned away, poured water into the cup, over the tea bag. A faint yellow
stain seeped through the clear water. That s not what I m saying.
You re being stupid, Dad.
I didn t need to look to know Toby had punched his father in the arm.
No, he s not. It s just& . Toby had recognized what it was before I had, but
still I didn t want to say anything in front of him. I returned the kettle to the
stove. Toby, could you take the tea to Rodrigo? See if he wants sugar or
anything?
Taking the cup from my hand, Toby gave me a grin that was half not a
grin. Don t fight in front of the kid, he muttered, and went out.
Allen
Come here. Give me a hug. Please. I couldn t bear to look into Jeremy s
face. There were times when he thought Toby and I ganged up on him. He s
not my friend, I don t know him. In Jeremy s embrace I was as small as Toby
in mine. I don t want to know him, because
Because he s going to die. Jeremy s voice was harsh, his hands clenched
in my back as hard as stones.
Toby came in, said, You re thinking about Sean. I was whispering.
Matthew s sick too, I didn t tell you. Jeremy, Rodrigo doesn t care about me.
It s you he came to see.
Allen, what s wrong?
I can t bear to care about him.
And then Jeremy broke away. But what about me? Fists clenched at his
hips, he went to the kitchen window to peer through the darkness three sto-
E
ries down into our neighbors scruffy yard. You know what Roddy meant
X
to me, he said. I don t know that man in there.
P
Because he s ill? Or because he s lived in New York for ten years? Could
A
I go to him, could I say anything at all?
T
I don t know, boy. I just don t. If he needs me Jeremy raised his fist and
R
tapped it against the glass, then turned to me but stared at the floor near his
I
feet, the vinyl patterned like Moorish tiles. I saw how Sean needed you.
A
Moving to the stove, I turned off the flame under the espresso maker. The
T
coffee smelled bitter and rich, a smell like life itself. I ll help if I can, I said,
I
exhaling my words into the steam. If it s what he wants. But it s not what
O
he wants what he needs tonight. I fumbled for the hot pad. He needs to
N
138
find out who you are now, and you to find out who he is. It s something you
have to resolve.
It s not something that s going to be resolved in an evening at the dis-
co.
Still avoiding looking at him, I decanted the coffee into the pot Ruth had
made, on the tray beside two of her cups and saucers, the sugar bowl, the
little jug of cream. Jeremy pollutes even espresso, a habit I deplore and
depend on. Do you really think he wants me to come with you tonight?
I lifted the tray. Come on. We ve left him there too long. I ll ask if he minds
me bowing out.
Allen. His voice sounded faint, weak. All those people at the I-Beam& .
When I glanced over I saw him blink and shake his head. I m sorry to hear
about Matthew, boy.
Come along, sweetheart.
In the dining room, Toby, never a genius at small talk, appeared relieved
to see us. Rodrigo s eyes went directly to Jeremy, but he said, Thank you for
the tea, Allen.
You re welcome.
Say, De nada, offered Toby.
Setting the tray down beside my place, I watched how Rodrigo watched
Jeremy. The expression was hungry, but he watched as though from very
far away, as if observing events and personages he could not hope to af-
fect. Rodrigo, I said, I ve been thinking I don t really feel up to going out
tonight. I ve got some work to do. Would you mind if I stayed here?
For a moment it seemed he didn t hear me, so intense his concentration
on Jeremy. Then his eyes moved in their hollow sockets, his thin, bladed
nose turned. De vero. One long hand came up in a vague, inarticulate ges-
ture, first touching his cheek, then stroking one eyebrow, and then sweep-
ing back through his hair. In truth, he said, I m realizing that I ve overex-
tended myself a little today. My clock says it s three hours later than for you, [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]